Dear Friend,

Where did you go? I know this emotion surfaced for me only recently, but I know your tendencies and I'm losing you again. Not necessarily you being physically there, but I'm losing the person I thought I could talk to about anything. I was told not to trust you, but you were my backbone because I was thrown into a new place and you were the one who was there. But you're doing exactly what you promised you wouldn't do. And I don't think you even notice. We promised each other we could talk about anything and we needed to communicate, but I'm scared to communicate with you. You promise you'll listen, but I can't help but doubt that. I shouldn't feel like I'm walking on broken glass around you, but that feeling is seeping back into my every day life. This scares me to death. You know I am here for you, and right now I really need you to be there for me, even if you are contributing to the pain I am feeling. I cherish you, I don't want to lose you to those things I've lost you to before. Do you remember everything we talked about in the past? I do. Things were great. Now my heart is heavy whenever we cross paths, which is starting to become less frequent because you're going back to what you told me to help you stay away from. But I know and have accepted that I can't make your decisions for you. But please be careful. You are a wonderful and beautiful young woman and I don't want to see you hurt again.

I miss you. I love you.

me

Trust

Friendship. What a complex word. Everyone thinks it to be so simple and beautiful, but what if you have issues trusting people because you have no reason to do otherwise? I struggle with this. A LOT.

Then I moved to the great state of Iowa. I was put in a brand new and totally foreign environment, and life propelled me to take the step I have always had difficulty with-letting trust diffuse in my relationships with others. I thought I was taking a step in the right direction, but now I'm beginning to wonder if I was right all along. I am my own best friend, I am content being there for myself whenever I am suspicious about life.

I was thrown into uncertainty. I have always been such a confident and independent woman, and uncertainty is not something I am used to coping with. Starting over in almost every aspect of my life has thrown me for a loop. My confidence and independence has taken a new face-one that I did not know existed. I am more vulnerable now then I ever have been. Starting over forced me to rely on others. Yikes! Now I'm freaking out because I'm realizing how important it is for someone like me to be skeptical when trusting others. I always tend to get hurt along the road....

I have to become someone I love to spend time with.

I need to be the first person to tell myself "everything will be okay."

I have to become someone I love to hang out with on Saturday night when everyone goes out.

I have to learn to celebrate my happy moments with my own smile.

I have to learn to give myself an even bigger smile when life takes a downward spiral.

I have to learn to shower myself with love.

I have to forgive myself for not being perfect when I really want to be.

I have to be my biggest supporter.

I have to forgive myself for receiving hurt.

I have to forgive myself for my past mistakes and the ones to come.

I have to learn to be grateful for my challenges and notice where they take me.

I have to learn to love myself.

So if I am so content with myself now, then why am I still stressed, upset, sad, and angry with the world? Did I learn to trust too quickly? Where did I go wrong?

Maybe this is just part of becoming an adult. You get catapulted into this war zone and you have to pay more attention to what's around you because every second of your life brings change. Change that I thought was invisible until now....

The Complexity and Simplicity of Art

Is it true that wherever you are determines your frame of mind? I'm sitting in a coffee shop right now and instead of doing my piles of work I chose to stare at the wall. These walls are decorated with somewhat intimidating works of art might I add. To my right is drawing of a man looking to be in his mid 40's with black hair, brown eyes, a black bow tie, and a speckled top hat. His eyes seem to follow me wherever I shift my body. He seems sad, almost as if he does not know where he is headed. Same with the man in the picture to his left. They are both staring into infinite distance because they are trapped in this glass frame and forced to watch the frequent coffee addicts of Iowa City waste time doing everything but what needs to be done. The man on the left has a very feminine bow tie and longer hair (no top hat) compared to the man on the right. I can't quite figure out what the artist was thinking when he painted these two pieces. They are obviously two very different people, but they share the same stare. It is definitely creeping me out a little bit. Why am I even noticing this? I should be doing my work, but no, these works of art keep staring at me and I can't get myself to write what I should be writing. Instead I am staring back at them and writing about these two men confined on drawing paper with personalities penciled in blank space. There is a sign between the two frames which reads "ONE HOUR COURTESY LIMIT ON ALL TABLES." Maybe Java House wants these men to eventually intimidate coffee drinkers such as myself so I'll leave this table after an hour. How rude. I don't need two pictures to remind me that I shouldn't sit in the same place wasting time for more than an hour. I have my own head to remind me of that. I am totally wasting time. Why? I don't want to end up in a picture frame with a sad face staring at people walking past me. I wonder what the man on the left is thinking. He looks more concerned about my laziness than the man on the right. The man on the right almost looks like he expects me to grab my coffee and sit down and do nothing. The man on the left wants me to do something with my time. There are plenty of other people sitting around me, all of which are on facebook as well, so why aren't these men in the pictures focusing on them? I have enough people on my back trying to push me to be successful. So here I am, about fifteen minutes over my one hour table limit. All because of two drawings in a frame, planted on the slick, painted grey walls of Java House. I have spent over an hour staring back at these men trying to figure out what they are thinking.

Waste of even more time? I think not. Is this not the purpose of art? To make us think about things we would not otherwise notice or think about? Though none of my "work" has been done, I'd call this a pretty successful hour and fifteen minutes of this beautiful day. I'm going to go look for something new to make me think now. And to the two speechless men trapped in the frames next to me: I will see you tomorrow, hazelnut iced latte in hand.

Dear College.

Dear College,

You have amazed me. I thought you were ruining my life, but I was very mistaken. You are making life unpredictable and that is so beautiful. College is the best time of your life right? Well you are beginning to make me realize that. Mom told me I’d love you, and sure enough, mother was right. I hate when that happens. You still make me worry about my future and finances and such, but that’s life right?. You remind me every day that I’m growing up and I have to think a little bit more about what I do, but I’m accepting that. You make it hard to read my bible, you make it hard not to touch alcohol and other substances, but in contrast, you make it easy to love what is around me. You complicate everything, but you help everything too! You have ruined my sleeping schedule, reminded me of my awful time management skills, and emptied every penny from my wallet, but it’s worth it because I am learning. You stress me out, but you also make me smile. My heart isn’t hurting anymore, it’s just adjusting to change. I went home to my own bed, my own kitchen, and my own fireplace because I thought it was what I wanted, and then I realized I began to miss you slowly. You gave me a break, but now I’m ready to come back and conquer you. I don’t know how to be a perfect adult yet, but who am I kidding? There is no perfect adult. I love the independence, and you made me feel alone at first, but not anymore. I thought you were turning me into someone I wasn’t, but you’re actually molding me into who I will be, and I’m appreciating the little bumps along the way. I’m sorry I was so hard on you at first college. I could have embraced the opportunities you set before my eyes at first, instead of going to the bars and wasting time napping because I stay up until 3 am every night. I’m embracing the opportunities now, I promise. I know I shouldn’t have blamed you for all my stupid tendencies and decisions, but you were the main thing consuming my life at the time, so I felt like you were the only thing I could blame. Thanks college, you’re rockin’ my world in 417389574398 different ways right now. Don’t back off, I’m a work in progress. I’ll get there eventually. I’ll be patient with you from now on, I promise.

P.S. Thanks for the wake up call.

Your content friend,

Paige

Challenge yourself, Change yourself.

At some point in life, we all wonder why we have chosen to have opinions on certain topics such as abortion, political party, and religion. What causes us to make certain decisions when addressing controversial topics or even simple every day choices such as what color shirt or tie to wear? We all tend to seek out information that confirms what our current belief may be. We like to say that we are open to opposing viewpoints and opinions, but for many, that is not the case. Once we have found information that could negate our beliefs, we immediately stop the search and stick to our initial opinions. So what really causes people to change their minds?

An article published online titled “How Do We Change Our Minds? The Truth vs. Like-Minded Views,” says that in a recent study, 33 percent of the studied individuals considered opposing opinions and actively pursued critical ideas often shifted ways of thinking. This means by simply exploring something you may not be open to, you are automatically more likely to shift your opinions. Just by listening to a second opinion, possibly opposing your own, you may open your eyes to things you had never let yourself notice before.

Throughout our lifetimes we build emotional filters and frames. We may be raised a certain way, exposed to certain things, or simply very opinionated, which makes us frame the world in a certain light. We approach life decisions and situations with a mental sifter, only allowing ourselves to see what we want to see or have already opened up to. Our decisions are based off of these filters. We make sense of the world based on the lenses through which we see it. In order to change your mind about something, you have to adjust those frames and filters so that you may see new things. Say you were raised in a conservative household and based your opinions off of what a conservative culture taught you. All the sudden, you are thrown into a liberal environment and you now have no idea how to make sense of the world. Your frame has changed because your environment has changed. The mind is easily altered when a person experiences a significant change whether it be a new city, a new friend, a new job environment, or even a new family situation (divorce, illness, etc). In many cases, a person may reject this new experience in order to be steadfast in his or her beliefs and opinions.

When it comes to controversial topics such as abortion and gay rights, many people change their minds because they have an unexpected personal experience with the issue. For example, a pro-choice woman gets pregnant and has an abortion; following the experience, she realizes that she does not want women to attain abortions, and all the sudden her beliefs and opinions are dramatically changed. This all happens because she experienced an abortion first-hand. Another example is a homophobic individual becoming good friends with a homosexual, without knowledge of this person’s homosexuality. The two have a great friendship, and the homosexual finally informs the homophobe of his sexuality. The homophobe realizes he should not place judgement on homosexuality because he has a friend in that pool of society and realized that they maybe are not so bad. Being friends with a homosexual allowed that person to reframe his or her lenses to the world, allowing other viewpoints to surface. It does not mean that person is homosexual, it just simply means the judgement was released due to a personal experience.

By simply having an open mind to change and allowing yourself to experience new things, you will find that changing your mind is healthy. People should figure things out for themselves instead of following the social norms that surround them. Do not let your environment make decisions for you when it comes to your views. Explore the world, challenge yourself, and you will find your identity in ways that you never knew existed.

Dear Friend.

Dear beautiful friend,

I never saw this coming. But here it is. I fell for him, faster than I've ever fallen. Maybe you're right, but I genuinely hope you aren't. I did not mean to rob you of your confidante, or did you want him to be more than that even though you swore you did not? I'm thrown. I do not want to hurt you. I don't hurt others, that is not me. But maybe I am being selfish. If that is the case, then I am sorry. When I'm with him and when I think about him it feels right, but you love him, don't you? Be honest with me, and be honest with him. Please dear friend. Even though I am not the one you probably want to come to because I caused this hurt to fall upon you, please know that I am here. I am not shallow. I have fallen as well. I have fallen before, but this time it doesn't hurt, because I have yet to hit the ground. Forgive me dear friend. I Love Love Love you

Sincerly,

me

A Dream

I fall asleep.

I am inundated by exotic air.

My tattered abode eases all anxiety.

My brain begins to interrogate my heart.

Quickly my solitude is interrupted.

I become incumbently devoted to this whimsical lifestyle.

Each slumberous second prosecutes a lifetime.

I run, I jump, I scream, I cry, and I smile while my eyelids slowly kiss my corneas and my left ear flirts with the pillowcase.

My surroundings are foreign,

Yet somehow my body makes every movement with certainty.

I am running from something.

My heart is like a thunderous cloud hunting clear, blue sky.

I feel sand beneath my cold, naked feet.

I am sedated by each sinking step.

I look to my right and see the ocean, blue and bewitching.

I smell the salty air and embrace the chill breeze sifting through my chestnut hair.

The sky is an unlit shade of blue infiltrated by pansy pink, lavender, and pastel orange.

My body grows enervated and loses the ability to keep racing the shore.

I halt and position my hands on my knees and catch my deteriorating breath.

A placid wave arrests the tip of my toes giving my body sudden ambition to launch.

I race the shore once again.

My mind is clueless as to what I am running from, but my body drives still with certainty.

Pansy Pink, lavender, and pastel orange begin to bleed into the blue sky with even greater intent.

The thunder consuming my chest begins to track down clear sky, though I am still insistent on running.

The something is following within reach behind me.

I pick up my pace in attempt to win the race I have embarked upon.

A rapid feeling of warmth penetrates my body.

I have lost the race.

I halt once more and direct my attention towards the water, transfixing and angelic.

The warmth becomes forceful, causing the thunder in my chest to accelerate.

I turn my head behind me and see what I have been racing all along.

A astronomical pellet of fire has climbed the horizon.

The dark shade of blue once existing above me has disappeared.

A tye-dye-like horizon robs my lungs of breath.

I gasp for air and fall to the ground, clinching sand in my fists.

I close my eyes to this beautiful sight and open them to reality.