Words.

I speak words

I write words

I think words

I imagine words

I see words

I hear words

I feel words

I taste words

I am hurt by words

I am lifted by words

I am tempted by words

I am challenged by words

I vociferate words

I whisper words

I manipulate words

I exploit words

I jumble words

I collocate words

I hate words

I love words

I am angered by words

I am eased by words

I am pushed by words.

Words make up my existence.

The Temptation of Two

Have you ever wanted something that you knew you could never have? I know we all have experienced the frustration and suffering following being told "no" in some way, shape, or form. It's unbearable sometimes. In high school I went through a phase where I would bring home a new stray puppy every few weeks and repeatedly got the "we just can't handle another dog" response from my parents. I remember being so angry because all I wanted was to have this puppy all to myself. The puppies were all cute, cuddly, soft, fresh, and new in so many aspects. I imagined having this new jogging buddy, annoying at times, but devout best friend coming from this experience of adopting a puppy. The same applies to the feeling of getting a new car, a new pair of glasses, or any other object. There is some sort of connection between you and that thing that you just crave, and grave disappointment comes when you realize you can't have that puppy, car, or other thing because it simply just wouldn't work out. So many things play into the situation. Money, inconvenience, another person. It's unfair on so many levels. We all want what we can't have and there is something oh so tempting between you and that thing. That something makes you crave your "something" even more. We don't like to be told "no," so we fight harder. We push the pencil, beg the parents, make deals, etc., just to grasp that temptation. Then there comes the point when you just have to let go. No matter how difficult, you just have to let go. Eventually whatever you were tempted by will take the back seat and a new temptation will surface.

So how do you let go of another person? People don't take the back seat as simply as a car or puppy does. Those things dwindle out of your mind, but a person...not so much. The temptation of two human beings is more unbearable than any other temptation one can imagine. Sitting in front of someone, being so close, within reach, but then knowing that you cannot have that person, is one of the most difficult things to handle. And even more difficult to let go of. People stick around. You are constantly reminded of that temptation every time you run in to that person in an elevator, on a subway, or in the mall. The temptation itself may dwindle a bit, but once you see that person, the temptation returns with a vengeance. Now, you become stuck. That moment of sitting with that person, being so close, comes back and flirts with your memory over and over again. This causes the temptation to intensify. Now, you become really stuck; like the can't eat, can't sleep kind of stuck. You wonder when you will run in to that person again, and all the sudden you are consumed by this growing enticement you thought you had once conquered. Yet still, you know you cannot have that person. They may be tempted by another, it may not be morally right, or there may be distance. This makes the temptation magnify even more. You cannot have it, but you want it more than anything else. So now that you've gotten yourself in a pickle, what do you do? How hard are we supposed to fight? What is it worth?....because that temptation, that suffering, that ambiguity...it's not going anywhere.

Cities and Secrets

(In response to Italo Calvino's book Invisible Cities...Great book! I definitely suggest reading it)

In Secretia there are many mailboxes. Every person living in the city, every visitor, every citizen of the past has a mailbox. These mailboxes line the streets, fill office cubicles, parking lots, restrooms, etc., although they are not visible to the human eye. Each mailbox is abstractly filled with stories and secrets. These stories define every person possessing a mailbox. Every person puts his or her deepest darkest secrets in his or her mailbox. The mailboxes know about every affair, every abortion, every lie, and every other secret a person holds. These mailboxes know everything about their holders and they can communicate freely with other mailboxes, spilling those secrets to others. There is no communication between humans and mailboxes. Each mailbox is devoted to its holder and does everything possible to protect him or her. If two people are in conflict, then their mailboxes are in conflict as well. When two mailboxes dispute, a secret it spilt into society. For example, if a wife is having an affair with a coworker because of personal problems with her husband then the wife’s and the husband’s mailboxes will be in conflict and in time the wife’s mailbox will leak information about the affair. This is not intentional on the mailbox’s part, but simply part of the system; almost as punishment for conflict.

Each person is internally connected with the mailbox and the mailbox will hint valuable information from other mailboxes if need be. Therefore, practically nothing can be kept secret in this city. No man or woman can get away with an affair and no child can lie to a parent unless there is no conflict, for the secrets are only shared if there is conflict between two people, meaning there will be conflict between the mailboxes. If a child lies to his mother about whether or not he brushed his teeth before bed and the mother never argues with him, then the mailboxes will not have any reason to argue, and the lie will never be revealed to the mother’s mailbox. However, if the mother and the son are arguing about his bedtime and he then lies about brushing his teeth then the mailboxes will argue and the lie will be shared with the mothers mailbox, subconsciously informing her of the son’s lie.

The only way people in Secretia live in harmony is by avoiding conflict. If they can satisfy their mailboxes, then all is well. The mailboxes control the society, yet no one knows of their existence. People in Secretia think what happens to them is out of their control, when in reality, they are controlling everything.

Reality and Temptation

It is simple.

I am here in reality, living by the guidelines given to me at birth.

I am taught to think the way that they think, do what they do.

I am effortlessly staring into the tranquil waters of my memory.

Yet still, I turn my head from my heart and follow the set guidelines.

I convince myself that I must be bound to them and sit harmoniously with my surroundings.

Yet my body is struck with lightning from the terrible storm.

The tranquil waters suddenly begin to flood; Something is not right.

My mind falls upon this anonymous being seeming to draw me closer.

Thunder erupts from the wake of the flood inside me.

This is temptation.

I am not like them; I have my own guidelines.

An explosion of sound erupts in my silent fellowship.

I have found myself and I see who disturbs my solitude.

They will never know, for I will contain my temptation.

I am faultless to my heart.

It is complex.